So David and Alex go on this grand, luxurious fuckin’ trip to New York where they do illegal and ridiculously fun 20-something things. Hi. I’m Matthew… I’m the probably the most mainstream and boring person in this house, so while they’re off galavanting in the nation’s biggest city, I’m… I’m in Wisconsin. At least it was Milwaukee.
Why was I up there? Extreme Midget Wrestling, of course… Yes, this is a real thing. No, I did not pay for it. Not a chance in hell.
I had won a pair of tickets from the Pabst Theaters to check it out at Turner Hall Ballroom (I work up in Milwaukee too, so it’s not like I made a SPECIAL trip up there.) If you’ve never been, I highly suggest seeing shows at any of the Pabst Theaters. They’re all great theaters with two main bonuses: 1. It’s always cold in Wisconsin, so people don’t want to leave their houses and go to shows – so it’s not crammed up like Chicago shows. B. $4 Pabst Tall Boys and $7 Double Grey Goose Cocktails. Who cares who is performing with those kinds of prices?
Back to the Midgets…
Imagine the Turner Hall Ballroom as the Metro without an upper balcony. Or the Aragon with about 1/3 of the floor space… now imagine a tiny, probably 8ft x 8ft wresting ring in the middle. It will look a lot like this:
As you can see, since we’re in Wisconsin and it’s playoff time… they showed the Packer/49ers game in the background the entire thing. This became important later.
Basically, I watched tiny men hit each other with cookie sheets for about 2 hours. The novelty wore off after maybe 20 minutes and it just became tiny men making racist/sexist jokes… one midget sucking on some poor girl’s toes from the audience and we can’t forget the Blonde in her late 30s who used EVERY opportunity to show off her very obviously fake boobs. Just think about that… this was like a HUGE deal to her. Kind of like a Def Leppard show would have been when she was 18.
I finished the night on a high note, of course. While going to get an amazing burger at AJ Bombers on Water/McKinley, you walk by Coyote Ugly Milwaukee. The Chili’s/Applebees of the bar world and I saw a unicorn. A new, yellow camaro with the license plate “R U DTF”.
As if 6 dudes living in the same house with 3 cats, 1 shower and the ghost of David Draiman’s career need to explain “Why Girls Won’t Talk To Me”, this week’s MixTape TixMape asks the men of FeelTrip to explain their theories in 2 songs.
This is also an invitation for you to pity us.
Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti “Baby”
Why?: ”Not so much why girls wont talk to me but this song will put you in a heroin suicide lockdown that nobody will talk to you not even the god you do not believe in. Are you crying yet? Boy’s dont cry… but when they do, they sure as fuck will not have sex. Get that pappa Johns pizza and netflix, if you don’t own a cat, get one of those as well. There are plenty in the alley. I promise. ”
Salem “Better Off Alone”
Why?: ”This is Salems cover of Alice Deejay’s better off alone. Its funny how club songs use depressing lyrics of being alone and running away to somehow stimulate your urge to do ecstasy and dance. Salem shits on that idea, real real hard. Try dancing to this on ecstasy and see if you can go 30 seconds without texting an ex lover that the world is ending.”
R. Kelly “Bump ‘N Grind”
Why?: “There is nothing more sick, sad, and twisted then witnessing a white boy dancing to R. Kelly. Nothing. NOTHING. Its as if you were to stand idly by and watch a train slowly destroy an orphanage full of children playing with kittens. So naturally every time this song is bumped at a party I get to bumpin and grinding on every girl on the floor, shit I’ll even throw some boy action in there because by this point all the women have ran from me as if I were a coughing leper. Still thou, I love R.Kelly fuck y’all.”
Flying Lotus “Putty Boy Strut”
Why?: ”I try and impress ladies with the sounds I listen to usually to no avail because, well for one, you need to actually TALK to female humanoids. This is odd, I thought they find it cute and endearing when I stare at them from across the train, maybe grin or wave like I have some sort of crippling mental disease. So talk of ‘Hey, you like FlyLo’… “who?… turns to “please don’t smell my hair” and… “are you following me home, Im calling the police”
Harry Nilsson ”You’re Breaking My Heart”
Why?: ”Am i sad because i listen to harry nilsson or do i listen to harry nilsson because im sad? either way, girls can smell your sadness and most of them shit on you because of it. but no matter how down you are, you’ll always find a sorrier man in harry nilsson. just take solace in him repeating ‘fuck you’ 20 times in this song. love you harry.”
Street Fighter II “Blanka Stage”
Why?: ”Nothing gets me more pumped up for a friday night than some sf II turbo jams. blanka’s theme is like running through an acid 8-bit rainforest and fighting off hordes of spider monkeys. and the faster it gets the better. wait… i’ve just spent my entire night indoors playing snes. any girl wanna come over???”
Tame Impala “Why Won’t They Talk To Me”
Why?: ”I’ve been listening to ‘Lonerism’ since it leaked. It sounds like a lost Beatles master as remixed by a drunken, dirt-covered vagrant. I mean this in the best way possible. This song doesn’t necessarily identify “they” as being ladies, but I think it’s a valid inference to make given the general air of loveless-sad-bastard going on around it.”
Junior Senior “I Can’t Rap, I Can’t Sing, But I Would Do Anything”
Why?: ”Junior Senior is one of my big guilty pleasures, or at least it would be if I believed in guilt. Their second record, “Hey Hey My My Yo Yo” is one that pretty much nobody ever heard, but I think it’s kind of a masterpiece. It’s big and ridiculous and blustery and unabashedly cheesy and I fucking love it. It’s almost as good as ABBA. On the other hand, I realize there is a segment of the population (male and female) for whom the preceding sentence may as well read “I don’t have a functioning penis.” That’s ok. My taste may not be super masculine, I might be a talentless, socially retarded nerd… but I’d do anything for love.”
The Toadies “Possum Kingdom”
Why?: ”Let’s look past the fact that everybody else is referencing eclectic, musically inspired (and Street Fighter) songs, and I’m stuck with vaguely entertaining 90′s Alt Rock. Let’s look past the fact that it’s a vaguely entertaining 90′s Alt Rock song about taking a girl on a walk along the lake, behind his boathouse, so that he can murder her and turn her into some sort of bride-doll that he can keep forever. Let’s just say it’s a vague metaphor for my life – If you can look past a diet of ALDI frozen foods, a lot of vodka, and the fact that my 2nd song will also be vaguely entertaining 90s Alt Rock, we can be together forever… but most likely, you just won’t talk to me.”
King Missile “Detachable Penis”
Why?: ”Again, we’re speaking metaphorically, or I went to the wrong Art School and I don’t know what metaphorical really means. Either way, it’s a song about someone that gets drunk, loses their penis (because it comes off) and has to go find it. That’s just how it works… My ample man-penis has a mind of it’s own, completely detached from me. I want love, affection and an endless supply of Hot Pockets. My penis wants to womanize and distract. Me: “Oh man, I could totally use my free time to create art or cure cancer”… Penis: “You could, but have you seen how much pornography is on the internet? We should look at that for the next 8 hours.” Thanks, Penis.”
Disclaimer: RoboTrip is a 1977 Apple II that we found in a South Side garage. We got it to turn on and had our IT guy write a program so that it could answer the playlist questions. We are not responsible for and are often ashamed of it’s answers.
Tame Impala “Keep On Lying”
Why?: ”Girls do no talk to me because I lie to them constantly. I lie about the house i don’t have, the big dick that i don’t have the children that I do have that I say I don’t have, the criminal record I do have, the herpes. Everything. Eventually you get blacklisted on the Collective conscience women connect too. Also, I am gay. ”
Necro “I Need Drugs”
Why?:”Girls do not talk to me because I am on drugs. They know this immediately not because of my dark drowning eyes, incoherant speech or the needle still hanging from my arm when they see me trying to swipe something out of there purse but instead they know this because….I don’t know….I don’t why…I am……where am I?”
Over Labor Day weekend we had our beefbud and New York street pun artist Hanksy stay at our place. We shared laughs, grilled meats, drank cheap booze and Hanksy found some time to spray his latest on our vans. Van Aykryod and Vanny DeVito now have their faces rolling around the streets of Chicago.
It hasn’t been 2 days and the Huffington Post is already ringing out about the artists new creations.
In the mean time, we cats at the studio put together a little video highlighting the weekend, and the artist bombing our house… also… photos!
Heres the video:
That last one is special for David… it is his birthday coming up!