Archive for the ‘Time Wasting’ Category

Your Worthless Guide To Lolla: Also Known as FUCK YOU FRIDAY

HI. MY NAME IS PERRY FERRELL AND I HAVE ALL OF YOUR MONEY AND I FUCKING HATE YOU SO I’M GOING TO PUT EVERY SINGLE GOOD BAND THAT YOU WANT TO SEE ON FRIDAY, BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT COMMERCIAL ENOUGH FOR ME TO WASTE A WEEKEND ON, AND YOU PROBABLY WORK AT STARBUCKS AND NOT IN AN OFFICE, SO GETTING ALL OF FRIDAY OFF SO YOU CAN SEE SOME OF THE BEST BANDS AT THE ENTIRE GODDAMN FESTIVAL AT LUNCHTIME ISN’T A PROBLEM.

FUCK YOU.

SINCERELY,

PF

PS.  I THINK THIS FESTIVAL IS SO GARBAGE, THAT I’M EVEN GOING TO PLAY RIOTFEST INSTEAD, LOL U DUMBFUCKS

 

FRIDAY

WARPAINT V. JAGWAR MA (3:30p)

Probably the two bands I want to see most at the entire festival.  Sure, I’ve had many opportunities to see both of them but I want to see them NOW.  Probably two of the best bands at this festival too, so of course… we’ll schedule them at the same goddamn time while you’re still at work.  Maybe if you do an extra 6-8 hours of work earlier in the week, your boss will let you take a half day so you can choose to see ONE of them.  And god forbid either of them play an aftershow.  Instead, let’s have Disclosure play in Chicago for the 6th time in the last 2 months.

 

INTERPOL V. BLOOD ORANGE V. IGGY – 3-WAY LADDER MATCH (4:30p-ish)

I don’t even really like Iggy that much, but I know all the words to that one song and I feel like I SHOULD see her.  Interpol hasn’t done anything in years and I go to Nu Wave night at Neo and that sounds somewhat similar, so I dig it.  Blood Orange is pretty hype right now and it’s pretty okay.  It’s not like I want to see any of these bands SO badly, but if they were at different times, I would definitely see all of them.

 

LORDE V. LYKKE LI (6:45p & 7:30p)

Lorde is hot shit right now 3 months ago, and she has only played once before in Chicago.  Lykke Li is evergreen, though.  Technically, I could watch Lorde for about 30 minutes and go over to Lykke’s stage – but I’m probably going to go straight to see Lykke because I don’t think I can deal with the crowd that Lorde is gonna bring in.  Gothy tweens and their creepy dads all day.

 

PHANTOGRAM (8:45p)

I mean – are you going to see the Arctic Monkeys instead?  Eminem would be cool, but that stage will be packed.  Hopefully those two will draw enough crowd away to leave Phantogram free to do their beautiful thing they do.   Oh.  Zedd’s also playing – if you’ve got rolls.

 

—————–

 

SATURDAY

Uh, well.  Outkast is playing.  I guess if you’re just looking to waste a day you can check out Jungle, Vance Joy and Meg Myers.  They’re pretty okay.
Get there after 5… Nas and Vic Mensa would be pretty cool.
Does spoon really need to play for 1:15?

 

—————-

 

SUNDAY

Party Saturday Night.  Sleep til 3p.

Run The Jewels isn’t really a 3:45p act.
Chromeo is always pretty solid because you can dance.
Childish Gambino might be okay.

CHANCE THE RAPPER (8:30p)

Because a talented Chicago Artist is the only choice when the opponents are Skrillex or Kings of Leon.  C’mon.

 

[This could not have been scheduled any worse.]

all day activities to look forward to:

 

 

 

#StruggleMeals Vol 1: Loaded Doritos from 7/11

I didn’t want to eat these.  I had no intention of eating these.  All I wanted was some tonic water, but the bright, colorful signs and the word ‘Doritos’.  I had to.

4 for $1.99.  Loaded Doritos.

Not only were they already under a heatlamp.  But then the lady had to put them in an industrial microwave.  She wore gloves – not sure if it was for sanitary reasons, or she was just afraid to touch the ‘food’ I was about to put in my body.

20140707_191436

The box was greasy when she handed them to me.  The outside of the box.

Oh, by the way – they’re basically those deep-friend mac ‘n cheese triangles you get at TGIF Fridays – except they have a dusting of Dorito stuff on the outside.
They don’t have a taste – they have a feeling.  They taste like the feeling of melted cheese – but have no actual flavor.

20140707_191457

I can’t even lie.  A couple drinks in… I’m going to get them again.

This is what I do with the money my mom gives me because I can’t afford to live under my own power.

Sorry, Mom.

20140707_191517

Top 5 Best/Worst FeelTrip Stick ‘n’ Pokes

 CULT LYFE

When the sun goes down, the inks come out. Stick ‘n’ pokes became a regular fixture at FeelTrip (hang out, get drunk, get tatted—your typical FeelTrip hangtimez itinerary), and they have since carried on beyond the walls of the late, beloved FeelTrip venue (RIP), making appearances at practically any and every late-night, alcohol-addled hangout these days.

As such, there is a whole army of idiots currently walking around Chicago, sporting their non-prison prison tats like a badge of drunken dishonor. It’s practically a FeelTrip rite of passage, so if you have one, you can pride yourself as being a rare and revered member of a very fearless and stupid clan. Congrats?

There are a lot of pretty ridiculous FeelTrip-acquired stick ‘n’ pokes out there at this point, but there are a few that remain held in the highest esteem and embarrassment to this day. So are these the best stick ‘n’ pokes or the worst? As you’ll see, it’s a very fine line.

Here’s a look at some of the most amazing/horrifying stick ‘n’ poke tattoos in FeelTrip history (at least until the next time we get hammered).

 

5. “XTC”

"XTC," done on the road by Pauly B., on David, ft. Joanie's inky hand.

“XTC,” done on the road by Pauly B., on David, ft. Joanie’s inky hand.

#RoadTats, a new level of idiocy we didn't even know was possible.

#RoadTats, a new level of idiocy we didn’t even know was possible.

 

Who: David Beltran, AKA STARFOXXX

What: The letters “XTC,” on the outside of David’s wrist. (He must really love British new wave rock!)

Where: In Gordon’s mom’s car. On the road. Like, in a moving vehicle. Good idea.

When: On the way to Austin for SXSW 2014.

Why: Because drugs.

 

4. “YOKO

Just-post-poke and still fresh. #YOKO #YOLO #ONO #OHNO

Just-post poke, the ink and the regret still fresh. #YOKO #YOLO #ONO #OHNO

"Oh, is that still there?" —me, the next day

“Oh, is that still there?” —Kelly, the next day

 

Who: Kelly Spence

What: The name “Yoko” crossed out in red, on the outside of Kelly’s foot.

Where: Kelly’s apartment

When: During an after-party post watching Sister Crystals slay The Observatory into mosh-pit madness. (Who knew lo-fi indie rock/dream pop was moshable?)

Why: Because that bitch broke up The Beatles. Also because we’re drunk idiots.

 

3. “R.I.P. ROSE”

The reason "RIP ROSE" jumps up to the #3 spot is because of the before/after effect. Keep scrolling.

The reason “RIP ROSE” jumps up to the #3 spot is because of the before/after effect. Keep scrolling.

This is what Gordon's Derrick Rose stick 'n' poke looks like today, just six short months later. RIP "RIP ROSE."

This is what Gordon’s Derrick Rose stick ‘n’ poke looks like today, just six short months later. RIP “RIP ROSE.”

 

Who: Gordon

What: A gravestone featuring “ROSE” and the number 1, on the inside of Gordon’s foot.

Where: At FailTrip, David’s post-Feeltrip apartment where we all drowned our sorrows in drugs and alcohol for several months until they got evicted from that place too.

When: New Year’s Eve 2013/2014.

Why: Because Derrick Rose got injured and couldn’t play for the Bulls anymore I think? I don’t know sports. Also because we’re drunk idiots.

 

2. “LOL STYLE”

Truthfully, this entire article could be solely dedicated to tattoos on Pauly B.'s body.

I believe David’s exact words as he was tattooing us that night were, “I can’t see anything!”

David later attempted to "fix" Paul's LOL Style tat while "way turned down." This is the before-and-after shot. Much...better...?

David later attempted to “fix” Paul’s LOL Style tat while “way turned down.” This is the before-and-after shot. Much…better…?

 

Who: Pauly Butts

What: A modified version of the Old Style logo, with “LOL” replacing the word “Old” and featuring the following additions: “2014,” “FeelTrip,” an inverted cross, and “Acid.” (Context clues.) On Pauly’s arm.

Where: FailTrip (RIP)

When: New Year’s Eve 2013/2014 (the best of times, the worst of times, etc.)

Why: The plan was to play “Tat Roulette,” wherein you were randomly assigned a horrible stick ‘n’ poke that you were obligated to get inked, but I’m pretty sure Pauly willingly elected to receive this abomination on his arm. Also because we’re drunk idiots.

 

Aaaaand, the BEST/WORST FeelTrip stick ‘n’ poke of all time award goes to………..

 

1. “CHLOE ROSE [XXXXX]“

This is the face of bad decisions being made.

This is the face of bad decisions being made. (Follow @kitschycat on Instagram to keep up to date with all of David’s latest idiotic endeavors!)

"Total 'ghost with a boner' moment. Can't be ashamed of it; gotta be proud of it." —David

“Total ‘ghost with a boner’ moment. Can’t be ashamed of it; gotta be proud of it.” —Dave

 

Who: David Beltran

What: The full given name of beloved FeelTrip darling Chloe, inked ever so permanently and regretfully on David’s left thigh.

Where: Kelly’s apartment (see: 4. “YOKO“—clearly we had so many good ideas that night).

When: Again, post SisCrys Observatory show, during which they played a cover of TLC’s “Waterfalls” and everyone moshed (not simultaneous occurrences).

Why: Because it’s “just a name” and because we love Chloe and because we’re all dust and won’t exist in 100 years and because YOLO. And also because we’re drunk idiots.

 

Honorable Mentions

David's janky hands.

David’s janky hands.

 

David's jankles.

David’s jankles.

 

Okay, honestly these should have been in the top 5, but I don't feel like re-doing it now.

Okay, honestly these should have been in the top 5, but I don’t feel like re-doing it now.

 

Duh.

Duh.

 

Facebook "Seen" on professional Internet hustler CJ Milli.

Facebook “Seen” on professional Internet hustler CJ Milli.

 

NVR 4GET.

NVR 4GET.

 

Do you have a janky FeelTrip stick ‘n’ poke? We wanna see ‘em.

Do you want a janky FeelTrip stick ‘n’ poke? Hang out with us sometime.

Destroy Your Body by David Beltran

Wanna get the prison tattoos without the prison time? Destroy Your Body, Volume I: A Guide to Stick ‘n’ Poke Tattoos by David Beltran will be up for pre-sale July 15 in the FeelTrip online store. Start plotting your own self destruction with the official FeelTrip Stick ‘n’ Poke Flash Sheet below!

Official FeelTrip Stick n Poke Book Flash Sheet

chedder cheese pringles or: how I learned to stop worrying and love my husband’s penis. A Short Story by Pauly Butts

I wear button cheese but I am time bombed in nearly 6 places

I slowly remove your sweater piece by piece

I feel a lump in your breast but you assure me it’s nothing

I remain concerned

You show me your medical records as my penis throbs, waiting to plow through you

You unbutton my shirt made of cheese and we don’t explode

I eat a bread

My cat watches me give you the fuck

I remember that I forgot to feed her

I excuse myself and go into the other room

I bend over and slowly pour cat food into the bowl, my junk is dangling freely

She extends her claws and swats at my exposed dangling private parts

I wake up in the emergency room

You tell me you love me

And my dumb glasses too

I donate my severed penis to the homeless shelter

I tell them I won’t be needing it anymore because I’m in love

they congratulate me

they ask who the lucky lady is, I tell them it’s a man

we get married and share one penis and live happily ever after

the end