I got locked out of my house at 3am and went to a last second kegger on the northside of Chicago. The events went as followed.
THIS IS THE ONLY PICTURE I TOOK OF THE ENTIRE EVENT. THIS IS MY FRIEND BRIAN.
3:00 am: arrive at someones porch and am greeted with a beer. There is a full keg, packs of cigarettes littering the floor and 5 hammered humans, one being a man from India who’s flight leaves in 10 hours.
3:30 am: My friend breaks me half an adderall pill and this heavy set sweetheart of a girl pulls out a felony bag from her bra and slips me mystery painkillers. I’m assuming it was vicodin.
4:00 am: “drunk girl” is finally identified and stands out from the rest. She constantly points out how perfect her tits are and asks everyone how she looks. She does this from now until I leave.
5:00 am: drunk girl brings box of wine and starts doing pulls off of it while talking about how much weed she smokes. She continues on this subject forever, talking about drug intake and how Yolo she is. Heavy set sweetheart slips me another painkiller. I am 10 beers deep at this point and starting to doze in and out of blackout world. Drunk girl however becomes my anchor to reality. Her constant slurring keeps me grounded.
5:30 am: Heavy set sweetheart takes a power nap. A short haired lesbian shows up and starts talking about how she just “puked and rallied”. she has 2 pbrs in her pocket and 2 opened pbrs in her hand.
6:00 am: I nap somewhere.
9:00 am: wake up to pancakes and coffee. The keg is still going strong and drunk girl slips me a valium. She proceeds to pop 4 right in front of me.
10:00 am: my friend Brian starts to show his pubes to the world, combing his fingers through it like a teenage girl. Drunk girl proceeds to show her shaved vagina to everyone.
11:00 am: 2 girls show up and start to play PHISH.
11:30 am: Drunk Girl is slowing transforming into “PSA DRUG GIRL”. I’m pretty sure her cocktail of drugs is pretty similar to those that killed rockstars of the past. Shes on the fone with her drug dealer and is asking all of us like a fucked up concerned drug mom if theres anything we “need”.
11:45 am: Brian and I hijack the phish Ipod and start to play Ariel Pink. Nobody gets it at all.
12:00 pm: PSA drug girl puts on third eye blind and proceeds to sing with the track, shes five seconds behind all the lyrics and all the lyrics she sings are completely wrong. Her slur is becoming the lebron james of slurs.
12:05 pm: PSA drug girl continues eating valium like potato chips while taking a selfie every 5 minutes.
12:30 pm: My friend Brian grubhub searches cigarettes.
1:00 pm: People are reading their horoscopes and believing the fuck out of them.
2:00 pm: Brian and I hijack the Ipod and put on John Maus. Again, nobody understands it.
2:15 pm: Brian and I decide to start a band called struggle kingdom.
2:30 pm: PSA drug girl talks about how she would make a great lawyer.
3:00 pm: I leave.
See ya next week,